First, Soulful Parents are relational. They “see” their teen not as a problem to
be managed or an accident waiting to happen but as a gift, a mystery, to be
enjoyed and appreciated. They know that their greatest asset with their teen
is not the contingencies they control or their leverage but the power of their
relationship with their adolescent. They never let circumstances trump the
relationship. Soulful Parenting endures through every circumstance.

Second, Soulful Parents are reflective rather than reactive. Operating out of the
high order portion of their brain, their neocortex, Soulful Parents control their
reflexive impulse and pause to consider the best response. They have good
judgment, they are patient and kind, and they consistently demonstrate it.

Third, Soulful Parents are loving in their interactions with their adolescents.
Hopefully all parents love their kids but do their actions communicate love? The
data suggests that we parents are prone to being critical and negative with our
teens and this isn’t loving behavior. Soulful Parenting is positive, hopeful and
optimistic. It believes the best, hopes for the best and never gives up.

Fourth, Soulful Parents see the long-term. They are ever aware of the relative
insignificance of the moment compared to the importance of their future with
their teens. Therefore, they are not technique dependent. While there are
parenting techniques that are successful in addressing an immediate problem
Soulful Parents never use techniques that offer them better management of their
teen but costs them trust.

Finally, Soulful Parents are influential with their teens rather than manipulative.
They realize that the real impact on their adolescent is through the power of
their relationship. Soulful Parents realize that their teen has to embrace their
influence, owning it has their own, rather than simply conforming and placating.

Today it is estimated that 30% of college students have used one of the prescription psychostimulants to assist them in studying. It’s called cognitive enhancement or neuroenhancement.

The longer a kid stays in college the more likely they are to use neuroenhancers. Over half of upperclassmen admit to using these pharmaceuticals to help them academically. By the way, only 4% of students are diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder for which the meds are indicated and appropriately prescribed.

It seems that among college students it’s becoming widely accepted to use these drugs as a legitimate method to assist themselves in being more cognitively competitive. The meds increase dopamine levels which heighten focus and attention to detail. Forty three percent of college student believe these substances have helped them to improve their performance in a class by a grade. Another 40% believe it’s helped them improve their class performance by two grades.

And it’s not just college students. The United States Air Force not only allows but encourages their pilots to use neuroenhancers when flying. After all when you’re flying those mega expensive, sophisticated machines you had better be on top of your game. Especially when you’re in combat.

Of course the consequences of taking these meds over time are still largely unknown. There is certainly an addictive component. Psychostimulants have been compared to cocaine. But only a small portion of folks actually become addicted. And an even smaller portion have the misfortune of developing the nastiest consequence while taking these medications, psychosis.

In fact, the long term consequences are so unknown and the immediate benefits so obvious that some health care professionals are actually beginning to claim that neuroenhancement may be the new cosmetic surgery. In other words, if you can be a better you and there is no known downside why not? Of course this is still a very controversial stance.

So one of the reasons these compounds are so prevalent and so acceptable is because they seem to work to help our kids be more competitive academically. And we all want our kids to succeed. But at what expense and the question still remains is there a profound expense?

We certainly are not going to stop our kids from being exposed to this temptation. And if they refuse to use this method of neuroenhancement they may believe they are at a disadvantage with their peers. They had better have a good moral foundation that can help them to realize that their decision and their stance are based in a personal value system that others may not honor.

In any event, they need to be encouraged to think this issue through. They need to understand the medical and moral consequences of whatever decision they make. And they need you, their parents, to help them process this complicated issue. In twenty years will we look back and lament that our kids used these substances to better their performance or will it have become an acceptable practice? Time will tell.

Life success can be defined in any number of ways but for the Soulful Parent it must include your young person living with intention and purpose. Without meaning all accomplishments are empty. With meaning accomplishment of any sort is, by definition, success.

As kids mature their life is much less structured. Parents provide structure for preschool kids and then, when your kids are old enough for school, the schools have an order that the student must follow to successfully matriculate. As your young person ages the order is less defined for them and they must provide more of their own structure.

Upon graduation, for the first time, they get to decide where they want to go. Up until this point others defined the end, i.e., the end of school was defined by the educational system as graduation. So how does a young person prepare for success? Here’s the sure fired formula.

First, they must have a vision. They must know where they are going. They have to “begin with the end in mind.” I encourage young folks to see their future in as much detail as they can envision. The greater the detail in their vision the greater the likelihood that they will accomplish what they set out to do.

Second, they must position themselves for the opportunities they desire. This means having a plan. They may need to seek a mentor who can help them in their career. In their vision for their personal life, it may mean being selective about where they meet people and the types of people they date so that they are more likely to end up with a life partner that meets their vision.

Third, they must have a plan and keep a timeline for successful accomplishment of the plan. Without a timeline there is no accountability for working the plan. A vision without a plan and hard work is a fantasy.

Finally, teach your young person to be persistent. No one accomplishes a life worth living without challenges. Challenges cause young people to grow and mature. Encourage them to preserve through the challenges. Challenges make accomplishing goals all the sweeter.

So some of you will say, “I never worked this formula and my life turned out fine.” And it is true that a lot of folks don’t even know of such a formula and so they live their life “by their wits” and things turn out okay. But why, if working a formula would increase the likelihood of life working out as they wish, would you not encourage your youngsters to consider this approach? What do you have to lose?

Teach your young people to live their life with intent and purpose. Help them identify their gifts and their passions and then encourage them to use this formula, Vision + Positioning + Hard Work + Persistence = Intentional Success and Purpose. You’ll be glad you did. They’ll be glad you did.

One of the things I have found incredibly powerful in parenting teens that is too often ignored is knowing more about adolescent development. We try to educate ourselves about the biological, physical and sexual changes that take place in adolescence. But do we really, intentionally seek a better understanding of their social and psychological development?

Human psychology works like this: How you see determines what you see and what you see determines what you will do. So in order to change the way you act, what you do, you must change how and what you see. One of the best ways to change how and therefore what you see is through education, understanding and knowledge. As Drop the Rock says, “As you learn better, you do better”.

If you want to have a better relationship with your adolescent and as a result have greater influence with them, get busy and learn about what they are experiencing. Because of their involuntary biological and developmental evolution they are changing socially and psychologically, too.

Instead of trying to hold on and manage them through this stage why not ask yourself, “What does their behavior mean?” or “What are the social and emotional challenges that they are facing?” With more information and a better understanding you will see them and their behavior in a very different way and you will parent them differently. “As you learn better, you do better.”

Spirituality is most obvious in one’s ability and willingness to reflect on self and on life. Reflection or contemplation is what separates humans from animals. It’s our spiritual nature. Some naturally reflect more than others. The relative depth of one’s reflection may be partially genetic but is also most certainly learned and can be “awakened.”

It is becoming increasingly clear that this reflectiveness begins early in life and most likely starts with learning gratitude. My son and his wife, both reflective and thus spiritual people, have my two-year-old granddaughter saying “thank you.” This is the early stage of teaching gratitude. And even this rudimentary gratitude requires reflection on the fact that someone has done something for you. It also requires a primitive humility by recognizing and acknowledging one’s own limitations.

From the seeds of this early gratitude we develop empathy and from empathy comes compassion for others. Empathy, the most powerful force on Earth, is most certainly central to spirituality. With empathy and compassion there is no bullying. Bullying requires emotional insensitivity to others and, common sense tells us, is perpetrated by ingrates. Practicing gratitude is a spiritual solution to bullying.

So whatever age you are and whether your kids are two years old or twenty encourage thanksgiving. Do so by modeling it in your own life and reflecting with your loved ones on the blessings in their lives. This perspective begins a change of spirit that revolutionizes individual lives and, in mass, transforms entire communities.

And, by the way, studies show that thankful adults are more energetic, more optimistic, have more friends, earn more money, and are less likely to have colds or the flu. Kids who are grateful are less materialistic, have better grades, set higher goals, have more friends and are also less likely to get sick. What’s not to like about that?

Practice thanksgiving all year long. In every way you will be glad you did!

But the other day I was asked another important question that is seldom considered, “Can we immunize our kids so that they aren’t as vulnerable to bullying?” Great question! And the answer is, “Yes, we can.” It takes an intentional effort to educate our young ones about what they are dealing with and arming them with tools to better cope.

First, it is important that your young person understands that bullying is born from the bullies’ insecurities and comes from a need for the bully to feel better about themselves by lording power over others. This perspective matters because the shift from “there’s something wrong with me” to “there is something wrong with them” changes the experience from shame to indignation. An indignant person is more empowered than a shameful person.

Second, knowing that this behavior is not about them but rather a reflection of the bullies’ insecurities helps your young person better understand that the only two effective responses to bullying is to stand up to the bully or ignore them. In other words, confront the power grab or don’t engage in it. To respond to it in anyway that shows vulnerability only reinforces and perpetuates the bully’s behavior.

Sometimes confronting the bully, especially with a group of peers in support, will have the effect of leaving the bully to his/her insecurities. Of course with no chance for a power grab the bully has lost motivation for such behavior.

Ignoring the bullying is tough and sometimes nearly impossible. If confronting is not an option and ignoring is impossible then the final option is to involve authorities.

Before taking this final option make sure your kids clearly understand your interest and concern in what is happening to them and your willingness and commitment to be involved at whatever level necessary for their protection. Parents need to be fully involved when engaging school or legal authorities as a solution.

Before reporting the bully it is important to collect all evidence available to make the case for the bullying behavior. There must be sufficient proof so that action will certainly be taken. Know specifically what action can and will be taken. The reporting of the bullying and the action taken against the bully must be swift and consequential. Any delay or token reprimand will lead to intensified bullying.

Bullying is wrong no matter what and we can hope that our communities pull together to communicate a new standard that discourages and prohibits bullying. But is also true that our kids need to understand why people bully and know how to most effectively cope with this behavior.

The bottom line is to keep from empowering the bully by reacting with vulnerability and, if possible or necessary, involving peers and authorities to confront the bullying. Bullying behavior needs to be stopped and bullies must be involved in therapeutic efforts to better understand themselves and the effects of their abusive behavior.

 Join Dr. Greg Sipes and Scarlet Cramer for any of these all day workshops to look into the uncharted journey before you.  Envision with us what is and can be.

 RE-Group… Parenting Workshop.

 Navigating through the teenage years can be a challenging time for both parent and teen.

 Saturday, October 16, 2010

 9:00am-4:00pm

 You will learn about:

• Seeing your teen with love not fear.
• Five aspects of Improved Relationship.
• How they see:  Neurologically, cognitively, socially, psychologically and morally.
• Boundaries and consequences:  Logical, natural, relational, personal and spiritual consequences.
• Appreciating your temperment and theirs
• Your home culture is the best antidote to our toxic culture.  Be the change you wish to “see.”

RE-energize… Empty Nest Workshop

 Reenergize your marriage and prepare for the next stage in life without children at home…

 Saturday, November 6, 2010

 9:00am-4:00pm

 Life while raising children is full.  Now the house and maybe your life feels empty.  What will the next stage of life look like? What will your marriage look like?  Join us to rebuild your purpose and direction as a couple and an individual.  Learn to relate to your adult children and their new forming families.

 COMING IN JANUARY:

 RE-store… Flying SOLO Workshop

 What does it mean to be single again?  Learn how to keep mentally, physically and emotionally safe in the midst of divorce.  Explore new relationships… what they look like and how they work.

The cost of all workshops is $180 for an individual or $300 for a couple.  Payment plans are available.

 Contact Julia at julia@drgregsipes.com to reserve your spot today!

Moving from adolescence can be a difficult time for both child and parent.  Dr. Greg Sipes and Scarlet Cramer are offering another workshop where parents can grow, learn and share in the journey of parenting.  You will find the Soulful Parenting gatherings a warm, fun and inviting atmosphere where questions can be addressed, information will be shared and guidance will be offered on how to navigate through these “adolescent” years.

For more information or to reserve your spot today please contact Julia Sloope at julia@drgregsipes.com.

For example, the data suggests that parents criticize ten times more than they positively reinforce. Besides being demoralizing to our kids and discouraging of healthy relationships, the core of Soulful Parenting, we also now know that by focusing on the criticizing the mistakes and failures we are inhibiting their ability to learn.

That’s right, we all learn more from mistakes than we do from successes. Wisdom and knowledge come from neural adjustments made after mistakes. So it is literally true that the wisest and the brightest are often those who have been willing to take chances and make mistakes.

But we adults tend to criticize mistakes and reward only successes. Mistakes aren’t to be avoided they are to be cultivated and investigated. Mistakes are the seeds of learning. We need to focus less on the outcome, the mistake, and more on the effort made and the lesson to be learned from the mistake.

So reinforce your kid more. Tell them you appreciate their effort even when their performance is not successful. Encourage them to try things even if they think they can’t do it. Let them know that a mistake is not a bad thing but rather a golden opportunity to learn. The more they try and the more that they make mistakes and learn from them the better their ability to learn in the future. And, in the end, the more knowledge and wisdom they will have. What parent wouldn’t want that for their kid?

The research has been done and it shows, in no uncertain terms, that the single most important thing that you can do to have a positive influence on your teen while decreasing the likelihood that they will use drugs, alcohol and cigarettes is to have routine family dinners with them. Yup, that’s it. It’s that simple.

But the research also shows that as kids get older the likelihood of these family gatherings at the dinner table decreases dramatically. It must be that as adolescence hits and our dependent kids become increasingly independent teenagers they get so active that the family time is a casualty.

Data suggests that with our pre-teens we are quite likely to have family dinners 4 or 5 times a week. On the other hand, with our teens it becomes more likely that we don’t even have family dinner three times a week. And with that change in frequency of family time comes an inverse likelihood that they will experiment with or even begin to use substances on a more frequent basis.

It’s not realistic to expect with teens in the house that you’ll be able to gather every evening for dinner together but what about four nights a week? Take every natural opportunity, such as Sunday nights which is a typical family night. Make some sacrifices and insist that you’ll be disciplined and find time on three other evenings. The stakes are too high not to work at this. It’s easy to do. Don’t let it be easy not to do.