Here’s the challenge. You’ve got one day to get to know me as well as you can. But you can not ask me any questions. In fact, you can not spend any time with me. And you can not observe me. And you can not ask any one else anything about me. You can not use any established information source, such as the internet, that might provide biographical data. The only information you are given is the names of the five people who have the greatest influence over me. How would you go about knowing me better? There is a sure fire way.
First, interview each of the five folks who most influence me. But remember you can not ask them about me so you would ask them about themselves. Spend an hour or more with each person asking them all sorts of questions about who they are, what they value, where they are going and such. You can not ask how they know me or how long we’ve been friends. You can only ask them about themselves.
Then after gathering the information on each of them compile all of the data. You now have a long list of personality characteristics, values, experiences, beliefs and interests. You will have accumulated a list of dreams, hopes and fears. You will see how these five people are alike and how they are dissimilar. And in the intersection of all of this you will find who I am. You will have accomplished the challenge. With about eighty percent accuracy you will be able to describe me.
It is a fact that we are the reflection of the five people who influence us most. Or as the old saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.”
And of course the same is true of you and your teen. If you want to know what you are reflecting to your teen consider what the five folks who influence you most reflect. If you believe you are having a powerfully positive influence on your adolescent but your associates reflect attitudes, values and behaviors that you wouldn’t want communicated to your teen then you are probably having an unintended consequence on your kid. You can’t help but reflect those who influence you most.
And if you want to better know your teen then look closely at the five people who have the greatest influence on them. Too often parents look at their teen’s friends and believe that their teen is not involved in the activities that their teen’s friends are participating in. They are uniformly wrong. Oh, it may be true that there are some differences between a teen and each of their friends but overall there is huge overlap.
But of course you can’t pick your teen’s friends for them. In fact, if you try you will only drive them closer. So what must a parent do? We’ll answer that question in two weeks in the next blog.
In the meantime do an assessment of your associates. Consider the influence they are having on you and therefore on your family. And also assess your teen’s associates. Get to know them better. Be honest with your self about the things these kids represent and recognize that they are a reflection of your teen. Since relational influences are so important it is critical that we have an accurate read on what influences are impacting us and our loved ones. Then we can effectively address what needs to change.